Anxiety. In the beginning of CoVid19 and the stay at home orders, like so many my world was thrown into the unknown. My heart was beating more quickly, my breathing was shallower, I felt sick to my stomach, and everything was speeding up. I knew if I could just get control of what is going on around me, the anxiety would lessen.
I called the unemployment office over 60 times the day after receiving a letter in the mail stating my unemployment was denied and I was supposed to call. I called 23 times the next day before I finally reached a person with another 1.5 hour wait. After the conversation I was left without certainty if this would resolve the situation or not.
One thing checked off the list, what else? Zoom codes, Google Classroom, conjugating sentences to pass 3rd grade. I hate grammar. I was never good at it. “Don’t ask me for help” is what goes through my mind, as I try to get my 9 year old, now confined, very active son to sit down and listen to me talk about something I know little about. The 85 lb Great Dane puppy pees on the floor, a flood. My daughter, now 12 is somewhere between needing help from me, and resenting me if I try to help too much. The list goes on and on. One thing gets checked off the list and 2 more are added.
Anxiety, can’t I just get it (life) under control?
And in my anxiety I feel myself moving into judgment. “What is wrong with me?” “I’m not handling this well.” “Why does this seem to be coming so easily for everyone else?” And in my judgment I have now concluded, “I’m not enough”. My distortion has become my value is earned, it’s based upon how well am I doing. I am drowning in toxic shame.
Anxiety drives the toxic shame which drives more anxiety and creates more toxic shame. A vicious cycle.
“The solution of control over anxiety will inevitably increase our anxiety because we cannot ever acquire enough control. Anxiety, is our body’s physiological response to fear. It misinforms us, it says for us to control when we need to let go.” (“Voice of the Heart”, Chip Dodd, PhD)
“Anxiety commands that you make yourself invulnerable.” I can handle this on my own. “Admittance of fear requests that you expose vulnerability and neediness.” (“Voice of the Heart”, Chip Dodd, PhD)
Toxic or impaired shame says “you are no good as you are, you better become someone else.” Healthy Shame says, “I am made just right, a gifted and limited human being made to live in relationship with myself, others and God.”
So what does this look like?
- In my anxiety, name my fears. Reminder, anxiety is my body’s response to fear, so “What am I afraid of?” In this case there are several, but let’s go with, “I am not enough.” And in my, “I’m not enough”, I’m scared people will reject me (fear of abandonment).
- Live vulnerably – Tell someone. We weren’t created to have all the answers, or be able to do everything. We are human beings, not human doings. We were created to be needy and vulnerable individuals designed to live in relationship with one another. We are limited and gifted. “I’m really struggling right now trying to figure out 3rd grade grammar and how much to help my daughter with her stuff. I have fear of not being enough.” What you’ll find is you are not alone and you have now invited someone else into deeper relationship with you.
- Ask for help. For many of us we would rather go through the pain of trying to figure it out on our own than to ever risk stepping into asking for help. That’s just too scary…or maybe not. If you find yourself struggling with asking for help, go back to the first 2 steps; name your fear, live vulnerably/share it with someone else. In continuing to walk the first 2 steps you will find that you will gain courage to ask for help.
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